Illustration by Cloe Moreno

Students assemble nudist cult in response to full laundry machines

Buck Naykid ’21 spent hours in the Manzanita Hall laundry room waiting for a washer to open on a Sunday afternoon. The dim room smelled vaguely damp and sour as Naykid rocked back and forth to the thumping of the machines. Something had to be done, so he dropped his pants.

Naykid considered many options while surrounded by loose hairs and dryer sheets that littered the floor. He considered driving to a laundromat or dry cleaning service but remembered he only had $0.69 in his bank account. He also thought about doing laundry the following day, but pushing back laundry day is how he got stuck in this situation, wearing sullied clothes and sniffing laundry room mold, in the first place.

There was only one option left, according to Naykid.

“I am not sure whether it was the mold, but in that laundry room I saw God, or as she likes be called, the Nudeity,” Naykid said. “I experienced a divine revelation that told me the answer was to undress and forgo the need for clothes.”

After going nude in the laundry room, he returned to his room unseen by passersby. Having heard stories of nudity in Manzanita Hall in the past, Naykid was not particularly worried either. When he got ready at record speed for his 8 a.m. in-person class, that is where the problems began. Professor of Environmental Studies Jamie Clove filed a complaint against the student for violating health and safety protocols.

“It was quite disturbing to walk in a room shortly before 8 a.m. and see a naked man in front of my eyes,” Clove said. “I was forced to report the student for obvious reasons, but also due to the fact that bare buttocks touching the chair is a COVID-19 health risk due to the virus’ presence in stool.”

When these altercations began, Naykid took to Instagram Live to give makeshift sermons about his experiences and what he claims is “religious discrimination.” He amassed many supporters and his new unnamed religion gained followers, not just on Instagram, but on campus. Shortly following these incidents, multiple students discarded their wardrobes.

Girl Fieri ’23 is one of many Copeland residents who have endorsed the nude movement, especially as temperatures have been rising during Spring.

“College is a place to explore yourself, find out who you are,” Fieri said. “Lewis & Clark, as a liberal arts school, should support us trying to figure out if we are nudists. Instead, we are being met with reductive policies that are really harshing my vibe.”

Naykid and Fieri have since founded a religious club on-campus called Nudity Ministry Network (NMN). Adjunct Professor of English Bile Flasher is the club’s faculty advisor. NMN held its first club meeting on April 1 via Zoom, which was not a joke to many’s surprise.

“Why would I refuse supporting a bunch of young adults getting naked?” Flasher said. “I tried the same thing at my college in the ’70s, and was met with resistance. Sure, these kids are a little whacky with their religious mumbo jumbo, but it is within their right.”

Student Rights and Responsibilities (SRR) has filed disciplinary action against several of the club members, but those actions have been halted after concerns of religious discrimination. Public Affairs and Communication advised SRR on this decision as the college’s lawyers are considering case studies of religious litigation for precedent. The Associated Students of Lewis & Clark recently published a memo in support of NMN.

“I never knew that my penis would cause so much controversy on this campus,” Naykid said. “But rest assured, I will not rest until I can show it freely and religiously.”

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