Illustration by Mackenzie Herring

Disney sets sights on buying The Pioneer Log

BREAKING NEWS. President Vim Vievel has officially signed away all the rights of the student-run newspaper The Pioneer Log to the multimedia conglomerate Disney. This decision was made in order to increase revenue to pay for the vaccines that will begin to be administered to on-campus students at the end of the semester. Vievel was quoted saying that “we all must make sacrifices in order to improve public health and put an end to this pandemic.” 

What does this mean for the future of The Pioneer Log? Well, according to our legal team, it does not look good. However, our legal team is composed of students who did Model U.N. in high school, first-year students currently trying to petition for a debate major and students belonging to the secret society commonly known as “Rhetoric and Media Studies majors.” The accuracy of their statement is questionable, to say the least.

The Pioneer Log’s communications manager has received word that the Sports section will be taken over entirely by a team comprised of the golden retrievers from the movie “Air Bud,” and the strange peewee hockey league team from Midtown Minneapolis, who have a vengeance for Edina blood, and are featured in the Disney movie “The Mighty Ducks.”

It can be assumed that these are only temporary changes to The Pioneer Log because free speech cannot exist within a company that conforms to capitalist ideals and thought that “High School Musical: the Musical The Series” was a good idea. Therefore, The Pioneer Log will soon be extinguished in its entirety.

This is obviously only the beginning of Disney’s takeover of LC. It is rumored that the residence halls are next on Disney’s grocery list, followed by Aubrey R. Watzek Library and the ravine.

This detailed grocery list was found in the bushes outside of Vievel’s office by a grounds worker. It is presumed that this list floated off of his desk during his daily afternoon snooze with the help of Aladdin’s magic carpet (which should have been classified as a rug, if I am being honest). 

The list contains the following:

Copeland Hall will be transformed into a continuation of the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland. The only form of transportation across the sky bridge will be via boat. Quiet hours will be replaced with the mandatory playing of the song “It’s a Small World” throughout all wings.

Watzek will be transformed into a new bookstore themed around Megara from “Hercules.” This caters to the sexual awakening of many LC students who listen to girl in red, if you know what I mean.

The ravine hiking paths will be transformed into small streams so that steamboat Willie can finally complete his journey that he began in 1928.

The purchase of The Pioneer Log is just the first step in Disney’s plans to renovate LC. What’s next on Mickey’s capitalist agenda?

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