Following the results of a recent poll, the Associated Students of Lewis & Clark (ASLC) found that no students, staff or faculty at Lewis & Clark had ever been to the northwest corner of campus, where the sports fields are located. Realizing this was a bad look for a school named after a couple of explorers, they quickly organized an expedition to discover what lay behind the Pamplin Sports Center.
Almost immediately, they made a shocking discovery: a gigantic white dome, nearly as big as Pamplin itself, sits behind the gym. It has no visible entrance and no markings that might suggest what it is for.
Within minutes, rumors were flying about the dome’s purpose.
“The dome covers up the mutant tofu-organism,” biology major Lisa Hamilton ’24 confidently stated. “The tofu-organism is the reason LC exists. In order to keep the tofu from expanding and covering the world, the Bon employees need to go chop off thousands of pounds of tofu every day and feed it all to young people with metabolisms strong enough to neutralize the virulence of the tofu. We are here to eat the tofu. The professors are just here to maintain the illusion.”
“Weed. The dome is for weed,” one student, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “There must be millions of grams of top-quality kush under there.”
He did not offer any evidence to support his theory, merely stating that it was obvious.
“Like, what else do people try to hide?” he speculated. “Money?”
Others suggested the dome was a secret meeting place.
“It must be where all the centrists and liberals on campus hang out,” expedition member Sequoia Greenberg ’22 said. “I mean, they have to be somewhere, right? I see people making fun of LC liberals all the time in The Backdoor and stuff but, in reality, I have never met anyone on this campus who is to the right of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Where are all the liberals that people love to dump on? Under the dome. Gotta be.”
The President’s Office did not respond to an email requesting a comment about the dome, although about an hour after the request was sent, Vim Viewel was spotted near Pamplin in a catatonic state.
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