Tensions are high at Lewis & Clark with the newly formed Count Registering Approaching Privation (CRAP) only three minutes away from midnight. The CRAP Clock™ was designed by unpaid computer science (CS) majors, and modeled after the Doomsday Clock. Its main purpose is to show how close LC is from going bankrupt. Because it was developed by CS majors, it is impossible to say whether or not it is actually accurate. However, being the main source of news for students at LC, we here at The Pioneer Log are going to uphold our journalistic integrity and fearmonger like every other reputable news outlet.
It seems like the CRAP Clock™ sped up substantially after the administration announced their plans to pump up the gardening budget again. The Board of Trustees immediately took action after seeing the clock get so close to midnight, and once again raised tuition instead of lowering spending. The Board said that this was “to stay competitive” with other colleges, but most people understand that it is so they can continue to drain the reflecting pool during the school year, and then refill it during the summer and take pretty pictures. There is something comforting about knowing that your tuition is going to fund important things like creating scenic areas where newlywed millennial couples can take their pregnancy photos, instead of into less important things like paying our professors a fair amount or finally demolishing Copeland.
They also decided to stop heating the dorms as much, and have advised students to start fires in their dorms in order to stay warm. Unsurprisingly, the amount of times the fire alarm has gone off in Copeland has remained completely consistent, it just changed from people burning their pizzas at 3 a.m. to people starting fires for survival.
The administration has even tried to sell the CRAP Clock’s™ algorithm, but it has already been patented by Geeves Gangor ’21, who was the lead programmer behind the creation of the clock.
“I just kinda made it up as I went,” Gangor said. “It is all just kinda random numbers but I thought it would be funny to lie to the administration about what it does. The clock literally is not a measure of anything.”
When Gangor explained to the administration that the clock was just nonsense it was already too late. Copeland was soon stripped for valuable materials and Holmes was subleased to all four of the acappella groups on campus who are all currently using it to practice at the same time The Forest dorms were searched for drugs, not to get students in trouble, just to sell the drugs back to them.
Gangor is currently sitting in timeout because the school did not know how to properly punish him. He is wearing a cap that says “I put me before we,” because for some reason administrators think this will make people publicly scorn him.
When asked about whether or not the timeout was affecting him, Gangor stated, “It is kinda chill, I just get high every day and sit in this corner, I am kinda enjoying it.”