Howdy, Y’all! My name is Nandrew Aourie, I am a political science major (ew right? I am one of the good ones though I promise) and I am currently looking for a girlfriend. Right now it is incredibly hard to meet new people, even using dating apps. It usually goes one of three ways on Tinder: I get told I look like famous serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, they ask to impregnate me (I did not think it was possible to get womanized as a man) or we have great chemistry but they suddenly ghost me after I tell them that I am a Scientologist.
I do not really understand why I am single at the moment, I have an absolutely stunning face and wonderful personality so it is obviously not my fault. I am also super funny and I know that is a fact because Backdoor editor Hackenzie Merring ’21 said “Nandrew you are literally the funniest person alive.”
I am also really not that picky when it comes to women, I will basically take anyone with a pulse (not a dealbreaker).
Does that make me look incredibly sad and also somewhat insult the women I have dated in the past? Yes.
Does that mean that you have a very good shot with me if you identify as a woman even just a tiny bit? Yes!
Will our first date be a trip to the local Scientologist church where I will get you hooked up to a strange machine, have you emotionally probed and confess to all the terrible things you have done in your life? Will it be documented on camera so we have blackmail material, and indoctrinate, I mean invite, you to my wonderful faith that blends science and spirituality? Of course it will!
I already have our first anniversary all planned out. We will take this wonderful cruise trip called the Freewinds that is absolutely free of charge! We will be able to work hard to relieve ourselves of the engrams and implant that lord Xenu cursed our disgusting physical forms with.
If you still need convincing, here are some reviews that my good friends gave of me.
When I asked him for my most redeeming quality, my good buddy Cannibal Spectre ’23 replied, “big butt.”
Charlotte Manson ’23 said, “Nandrew, you are bad with women, also please do not mention that we are friends in your article I do not want to be associated with you.”
My (now ex) roommate Garth Vaader ’23 confusingly stated “Andrew seems to find (human) women disappointing and would rather date a rabbit person or something.”
Classic Garth, this is so funny because it makes no sense. I am not a furry or anything. I do own the collector’s edition for Zootopia but that does not mean I am a furry. I do not know why everyone thinks I am a furry, that would be so embarrassing. There are no furries in Scientology. Please do not tell my minister that I own Zootopia and sometimes imagine myself with a tail and paws, I do not want to end up like Shelly Miscavige.
Now, hold your horses you beautiful mare (not a furry thing, I promise), I know that you are rearing to get with this beautiful stallion (again, not a furry thing), but just like everyone else I have a bit of baggage that you should hear about: 1.) I am horribly addicted to ketamine; 2.) I pissed myself in my political science class once (this was due, in some part, to the ketamine); 3.) I know that ketamine is a horse tranquilizer. I did not start taking it because I am a horse furry. Stop thinking that I am a furry. I am normal other than the whole Scientology thing, I swear.
So if you can just look past those three things and are alright with me hooking you up to an E-meter machine to find out your electrodermal activity, then give me a ring at my residence, the local Church of Scientology 503-236-8576.