LC dog mascot drools in front of a torn orange "Pios" flag.
Illustration by Keiko Shieber

Insurrectionist students storm the Frank Manor House

Tensions are high at Lewis & Clark this week as a group of radical right-wing students stormed the Frank Manor House in protest of their father figure with dementia losing the general election to the liberals’ father figure with dementia. Currently, every single Republican at LC (all four of them) has taken it upon themselves to occupy the Frank Manor House to protest Trump’s loss. It has been confirmed that three of them have a Gadsden flag (the yellow one with the snake, idiot) and a strong stench of tobacco flavored Juul pods in their dorm room. The one that does not have a Gadsden flag in their room just got it confused for a Gaskins flag, a large flag of Associate Professor of Political Science Ben Gaskins with the text “Please Tread on Me.” 

The students faced much fiercer opposition than the Capitol protesters faced because someone bothered to lock the door and there were no cops around to let them into the building. 

So far, they have released a list of demands that they state need to be fulfilled before they leave the Frank Manor House. Unfortunately, no one can read their list because all libertarians are illiterate so they drew male genitalia on a page with arrows pointing at them. No one can understand it, but it does not seem to be affecting the student body much. 

When asked about the Frank Manor House being under siege, student Johnny Pogman ’21 stated, “What is the Frank Manor House? Is that a building on campus?” 

The Pioneer Log did not know how to answer this question.

Some students are struggling greatly because of this insurrection. Bim Bievel ’19, a student who looked to be in his 60s at first, but on second glance could not be because he had a snapback, a skateboard and a really cool mustache, said “This is unacceptable, it is worse than the time that those hooligans went and defiled the name of our president.” 

He then raised his fist in anger and was so mad that his mustache fell off.

The assailants were later forced out by Campus Safety. Apparently, it was as easy as sending someone in with a picture of Bernie Sanders and a summary of the Green New Deal to spook them enough to run away. These goons have ransacked the once-great monument of our school that was the Frank Manor House. We cannot confirm how much damage was done because no one that we know has ever been inside of the house. Honestly, it might even look better now than before, we just have no idea.

While not being the most important, well-liked or used building on campus, the Frank Manor House being raided signifies the destruction of whatever school principles and morals we have left after LC’s COVID-19 response.

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