Illustration by Amelia Madarang

Board of Trustees performs blood ritual, sacrifices virgin

Recent reports have confirmed that the Lewis & Clark Board of Trustees has pushed back their decision to raise tuition to December, and our inside sources have provided some context for this delay. 

Field reporter Randy Wilde ’24 cites “crazy ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ shit,” as the apparent reason for the push back. As photos were not allowed at the scene, for reasons which will soon become apparent, only sketches provided confirmation.

Several white people in dark burgundy cloaks, all chanting “pauperum studiosus ad schola ad opulentos,” while smacking themselves in the face with Plato’s five dialogues, Monty Python style, all circled a sacrificial table. Off to the side was a table for appetizers, with a rather incriminating spread.

“Apparently for their hors d’oeuvres they ate a literal baby, as well as unethically sourced chicken salad,” Wilde said. “Damn rich people.” 

Wilde was late to the event because the group had to relocate from their usual Frank Manor locale to a local recreational center. The event was cut short due to 5th-grade basketball tryouts starting at 7 p.m.

“Apparently the coronavirus threw all their tuition raising plans out of wack,” Wilde said. “They did come prepared with velvet masks with strange archaic symbols on them. I googled one of the symbols and it just said ‘Monica Lewinsky’ so I am not sure what that is about.”

As Wilde’s report continued, things got progressively worse. The group’s yearly virginal sacrifice to the gods of wealth, corruption and student debt was thrown for a loop by an unsuspecting philosophy major. 

“I heard some of the group members were upset because whoever was the sacrifice did not pass the blood test,” Wilde said. “One of them shrugged and said ‘it was the best I could do last-minute, I mean they are a philosophy major for crying out loud.’”

At this point in the evening, Wilde stormed out of the event because he was afraid that the group would start having weird cult sex with each other. 

“This is my first article and you send me here?” Wilde said. “I am a freshman! Making me go during my first ever midterms was just despicable of you.”

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