Zoom screen shows male professor with bowl of keys on the table behind him
Illustration by Maya Winshell

Zoom indiscretion inspires campus to be more kinky

When students saw a large glass bowl full of keys in Associate Professor of Philosophy James Gritzhaver’s home, they were cautiously curious. Either their worst fears or greatest desires were confirmed when they saw several keychains for Club Privada, a swingers club in Portland.

Zoom has unveiled a whole new world of information as professors call-in from home, revealing remarkable things in the background. This includes the discovery that one beloved professor gets it on with more than just his husband. Swingers have sex with people other than their partners, often randomized by participants pulling car keys from a bowl before they leave with whoever owns the key.

Gritzhaver said he is not embarrassed and encourages students to ask questions.

“Philosophy is inherently deeply personal anyway,” Gritzhaver said. “I was not trying to hide my sexcapades, in fact, I think we need to be more upfront about the freaky sex we have. We are all adults here.”

His student Mahsa Bates ’21, a self-proclaimed slut, was surprised to find out that Fritzhaver is a swinger, but is supportive.

“I just started my OnlyFans a week ago and I was worried about how I would be received on a college campus, especially if professors found out,” Bates said. “But I am more comforted than ever knowing that not all of my professors just have vanilla sex in missionary.”

Gritzhaver confirmed that it is true he does not just have vanilla sex in missionary, even when he is not swinging. He found comradery in the philosophy department when students saw Associate Professor of Philosophy and Department Chair Robert OdenLi with shibari rope and impact toys, such as paddles, on his wall when he accidentally panned his camera during a Zoom class.

Ana Sechs ’22 has been inspired by the recent unveiling of the kinkiness coming from the philosophy department. Sechs even plans on frequenting Club Privada post-pandemic with her partner.

“I used to hide all my sex toys in my dorm closet when we had class, but now I proudly display on the shelf behind me,” Sechs said. “I do not just have the basic stuff like a vibrator and classic dildo, either. I feature my pastel pink ponytail buttplug and, on the floor, an exercise ball with a dildo attached.”

Not all have been supportive though. Don Askiss ’21 said teachers and students alike should keep it in their pants.

“It has become so difficult to focus in class and some of the stuff people do is disgusting,” Askiss said. “But I can not lie, it does turn me on a little.”

In light of these events, the psychology department is planning a study to discover why philosophy professors tend to be more kinky and adventurous with sex. Adjunct Professor of Psychology Besel Ford-McCain is heading the study.

“We know that most of the staff is queer because this is a liberal arts school, which just makes kink all the more common,” Ford-McCain said. “But we think some sort of special psychological phenomenon is happening in the philosophy department.”

Gritzhaver said sex he engages in is nothing special and that maybe the psychology department should be less boring.

“I think they need some sex,” Fritzhaver said. “It must have been a while.”

Student Engagement plans to hold a forum to discuss non-normative sex. She Bop, a Portland sex toy store, is sponsoring the event and giving out one penetrating sex machine to a lucky student. 

The owners of Club Privada declined a request to comment.

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