Image by Anna DeSmet

Stay healthy, stay horny: sex, coronavirus and you

Just because there is a pandemic spreading at an unprecedented rate with relatively little known about it, that does not mean people want to stop having sex. What other options do you have when you are quarantined? Let us be realistic about it, and suggest the dirtiest positions to stay clean.

1: Doggy Style

This fan favorite is a classic go-to and the avoidance of face-to-face contact really helps to limit both the spread of disease and intimacy with your partner. Remember, condoms now serve as another form of protection, not just for unwanted pregnancies, but to protect from viruses. Using a condom can also help limit the use of tissues for clean up, which are needed for any virus-related coughs or sneezes.  

2: Elbow Deep

Before all sports events were canceled, sports players were encouraged to congratulate each other elbow-to-elbow — the same concept applies for everyone who still wants to get it on (and in). There is no better time to try fisting than now. You can avoid fluid transmission by using your hands and even adding another layer of sanitation by using latex gloves. 

3: The “Social Distancing”

It is about time that mutual masturbation got a new name, one that is a little more interesting and topical. This position would dramatically mitigate the amount of contact during sex and you may be more likely to orgasm anyways. Experts suggest people maintain at least three feet of distance between each other, which is very manageable with this option.

4: Zoom sex

We live in a digital world where things often go viral in addition to diseases. Why not take advantage of the technology at our disposal? Phone sex was big in the past, but video conferences are the sexy Polaroids of the future. With professors now lecturing over Zoom, you can even add a realistic professor-student roleplay aspect to your sexy video call. 

5: Scissoring

Scissoring does not really do anything anyways, so I assume the same idea also applies to the spread of disease. Is it an ineffective position for pleasure? More like, it is an ineffective position to catch a rapidly spreading virus that can appear asymptomatic and that has long-lasting respiratory health impacts.

6: Hands-free

The feet are really the hands of the lower body, when you think about it. Go hands-free to prevent spreading the virus from your hands by using the feet with the increasingly popular “footjob.” One person gets off, the other gets a foot massage and you both prevent the spread of corona.

7: Skin-to-sheet-to-skin contact

When a man loves a woman very much, and they are in a cisheteronormative, religious relationship sometimes they have sex in the strangest ways. In the midst of an outbreak however, we can learn from them. The “toad in the hole” method, or when a penis is put in through a hole in a sheet, is very useful not just for some strange Protestant traditionalism, but to also increase the cleanliness of corona-friendly sex. Other uses for sheets, such as to make a quick and easy ghost costume, prove this position’s efficacy. The sheet may scare off any remaining virus particles. 

Try any of these seven exciting options to spice up your socially isolated life. Just remember, no rimming. COVID-19 has been found in stool samples.

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