The real Republicans of Washington D.C.

EVER SINCE November 2016, things have been a little different on Capitol Hill. A big, beautiful, globulous orange ball heaved into the White House and shook things up forever: Donald Javier Trump, our dear 45th president of the U.S. 

On Jan. 16, 2020, the impeachment trial finally moved from the vicious House of Democrat snakes into the welcoming reprieve of Republican homebuddies in the Senate. And boy, did Trump need to count on his pals.

First in the lineup: the fine Prof. Alan Dershowitz, a seasoned impeachment trial lawyer from the Clinton trial of 1999, and a steadfast friend to Trump who would create an alibi for a blood-and-viscous-covered tiger. He is the best. 

Next up is the well-meaning marshmallow of bipartisan hell, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. He is one of the most valuable assets to the Trump team because he can fit any damning evidence or files into the soft folds of his custard body. 

Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham make up the rest of the political elite: the move makers, the policy changers, those stiff-tied and loose-lipped men who make decisions on our lives every single day. They call themselves the President’s Posse. 

The impeachment trial started with a complete snoozefest, with both sides presenting their evidence. The nerds of the Democrat party brought testimonies, witnesses and “evidence.” How lame. Alan Doobertits, of his allotted eight hours, took only two minutes.

“So Trump did some shit,” Dershowpits said. “And what, you went and told the Senate? Are you babies? Trump can do whatever the hell he wants by the power vested in him, by him. And don’t you forget it.” 

He ended with a mic drop. Notably, this was a microphone he brought with him just for this purpose. 

Representative Adam Schiff took nearly all of his time. The senators barely listened to him; many of them getting up to mingle, get snacks, or heckle the current speaker. His closing remarks, however, drew the attention of every single senator, lawmaker, judge, lawyer and intern in the hall. All were spellbound. 

“In short,” Schiff said. “We have to grab them right by the posse.”

Queen Bee Trump himself has not been seen at the impeachment trial. When asked by reporters, he tossed his head, throwing back what little hair he has. 

“Oh, is that silly old thing still happening? I frankly do not even know why we still bother with that whole thing, it is ridiculous. Ridiculous! The Democrats did not even bother to match their tie lapels. How basic. Now excuse me,” Trump said, reaching for a pair of large-lensed sunglasses. “I have to catch a private jet to Mar-a-Lago.”

Impeachment proceedings were halted before the Senators could call a vote. 

“And I know that Donald could not have done this,” McConnell said, in a heartfelt moment of testimony. “I know, because he is my best friend; he has told me so personally. And my best friend would never do a thing like this, and if he did, it certainly would not be illegal.”

“You bitch!” roared Graham, from the back of the hall. “He told me I was a best friend.” Graham proceeded to run up to the Senate floor, vaulting over barrier and lawyer alike. 

The rest was chaos. But you already knew that. 

Until next time. Xoxo, GOP Girl.