Tennis dome popped, dreams, egos deflated

Image by Raya Deussen

STUDENTS OF Lewis & Clark woke up to the sounds of a high-pitched hiss this morning emanating from the Lower Griswold parking lot. Many students were flabbergasted at what it could be. 

Contrary to what Jude Abendsen ’23 believed, it was not their hallmate practicing their flute. “This hissing sound didn’t have the depth and vibrancy that he usually has,” Abendsen said.

Tiffany Tisdale ‘21 did not know either. 

“I just noticed that it was prettier today, as though a giant blight on our campus was suddenly removed,” Tisdale said. “I just thought it was because the sun is out today, to be honest.”

Rex Coleman ‘20, decked in exercise gear, openly scoffed at Tisdale’s quote. 

“It is the tennis dome. It is gone! It …  it … popped!” 

Coleman could not be found for further comment, having run towards the outdoor tennis courts LC also has, just for scenarios such as this one. Not one tennis player will ever be without a court. 

Early morning student commuters arrived to find several Campus Safety and LC facilities vehicles, along with emergency responders, occupying the Lower Griswold parking lot. One thing missing — the tennis dome. In its place was a mass of gray plastic, rumpled and wrinkled, appearing to be the world’s worst dance floor. According to one student commuter, Jake Qually ’20, Campus Safety said that the Tennis Dome had been “catastrophically punctured” and that “the Portland Police is currently investigating the scene.” 

“I kind of thought that the thing couldn’t be popped,” Qually said. “Like the stock market in late 2007, I thought it was too big to fail.”

At a later press conference, Portland Police Bureau Chief Podrick Pointer reported that they were taking the crime seriously.

“At this time, we have multiple possible suspects and are working through the proper channels to explore these leads,” Pointer said. “We are asking the public to report anything they might know about the event to the Portland Police Bureau.” 

Apparently, a pair of children’s safety scissors, a single pin and a dull Bon butter knife were found at the scene of the crime. At this moment, the Portland Police Bureau does not know definitively what caused the rupture. 

“Another possibility, of course, is the routine maintenance that was ten-plus years overdue,” Pointer reported. 

LC President Harry Weasel refused to comment. 

Additional emergency vehicles could not get close enough to assess the damage, because the space at which the tennis dome used to be was now overrun with student cars. 

“Tennis dome? I was just happy they finally increased the parking,” River Wheatgrass ’20 said.

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