Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
Sag, I have never understood you. Some parts of Copeland have corner desks of a sickening blue-gray built into the wall, and I do not understand those either.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
You are repressed and quiet. Watzek silent section tables for you, Cap. Hide behind the periodicals so no one knows your inner turmoil.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)
Aquarius, I have to be honest: everyone avoids you, and maybe you wish you could avoid yourself a little, too. The one square foot of space granted by the standard flip-up desks in most classrooms really exemplifies how inconsiderate and cold you are.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)
Spacy Pisces, are you still with us? In those closed-off desks on the second floor of Templeton, you have all you need: outlets, an armrest, a place to put your books — the perfect isolation space. Physically, you are in the atrium of Templeton, but spiritually? Who knows.
Aries (March 21-April 20)
At its busiest, our beloved Dovecote is striking with its perpetual motion and cold, industrial interior — a primal discord. As an Aries, your entire personality can be whittled down to the words “angry” and “chaotic.” That is why, dear Aries, you are a wobbly, charmingly scratched table at the Dovecote.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Tauruses work best when surrounded by comfort and beauty, around which they can have ugly five-hour breakdowns as they persevere and type out an essay. What better place to trick yourself into working than within the customizable familiarity of your own dorm? The standard “wooden” dorm desk comes with an extendable back section for you to create your Textbook Tower and Mess of Mediocre Essays.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
You are just slightly less tolerable than Aquariuses, so I’m going to give you the left-handed flippy desks.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You are probably crying right now. At this point, you have learned to be very quiet; you just need the vague idea of privacy before your brain tears itself apart. Cancer, you are the standard Watzek desk, shaped into the vaguest idea of a cubicle. On a good day, your chair has a cushion.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo, making horoscopes is hard. You know those desks in Watzek that are built into the wall and have those cushy, somewhat squeaky orange chairs? Lions are orange, too. That is all I have.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
And why do we apply so much faith into horoscopes anyway? Maybe we all just need some therapy instead of attributing all of our flaws to our birth date and time! Virgos, are you really that much of a perfectionist? Are you really that manipulative, or are you just internalizing stereotypes? Anyway. You are those desks entirely on wheels, with just enough surface space to be useful. Still, you tend to make it cramped and intolerable to navigate a small classroom.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
Alright, you flaky, shallow Libra, someone had to get it. Who decided to make tables into trapezoids? Why can they not just be rectangles, the most superior quadrilateral? You are the trapezoid tables. I do not have to explain myself to you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Scorpio, you are intense and passionate. How sexy is it to have your own private room to scream in, where you can stare at people wandering the library through panels of completely-not-soundproof glass? You are the exclusive, reserved getaway of a Watzek study room. Just please do not breathe on the glass to write “HELP ME,” because it will smudge; check out a whiteboard marker instead.