Portland Tinder part two: romance comes again at LC

Illustration by Maya Winshell

In the dark corners of the data hivemind of the Internet, we understand that there lies a tantalizing service known as Portland Tinder. It acts as the gateway to furthering one’s dynasty, passing time when one is bored or crushing one’s self-esteem. Here are some more of the profiles of the individuals you might encounter:

Robot Roxy: 

Robot Roxy draws you in with a series of stock photos with the watermark still on and leaves you with a critical question: is Roxy a human with a propensity for selling various questionable products or a bot preying on unsuspecting Tinder users? Regardless of the answer to the previous question, another question is naturally raised. Is poorly programmed A.I. on Tinder capable of love, and if so, is it wrong to love them back?

Gamer Giselle:

Giselle only has one thing to tell you. She is a gamer. Her bio is a list of her favorite video games, and her profile picture is of her computer. The only thing she wants to discuss is recruiting new members for her Classic World of Warcraft raid group. After all, what more information do you need to know about someone beyond their rank in League of Legends?

Country Carla: 

Carla might not be on Farmers Only, but she is real country. Her profile picture features her wearing a cowboy hat and boots, posing by a large tractor. It could be a promotion for Chevy Truck Month. She rides her horse, Buttercup, competitively. She proudly displays her Spotify profile, which spotlights the song “Red Solo Cup.” Oregon is not exactly the Midwest, but Carla is bringing Nashville Tinder to you.

Real Raycheall:

Raycheall is through with superficial relationships, and she will proudly say it. Raycheall is invested in her future, and she expects anyone who swipes right to develop a deep emotional bond for her instantly. Raycheall wants to find true unconditional love. And tragically, Raycheall turned to a free dating app’s algorithm to locate it. Good luck and Godspeed Raycheall.

Grill and Chill Gianna:

Gianna’s hobbies include slamming some ultimate frisbee, playing flip cup and grilling high-quality meats. She will likely do the thing where she pretends there is dirt on your shirt and flicks your nose if you ever meet her in person. She frequently threatens to seduce your mom. When messaging her it can be hard to distinguish her messages from your dad.

The Unknowable One:

The Unknowable One defies previous human comprehension. Their profile commonly features pictures of various animals, Kermit the Frog or a meme that was popular a few years ago. However, on more unusual occasions, they choose to represent themselves with a picture of Lewis & Clark President Wim Wiewel. The power of these beings is currently untested, but high caution is recommended when swiping right. Anyone could be on the other end, from a normal functioning member of society to Wiewel himself.

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