Deep within the digital jungles, where few dare to tread, exists Portland Tinder: a lawless, cutthroat wasteland where only the strong survive in the war to find a mate. Here are some profiles of some of the creatures that stalk this land to assist you in your decision to swipe, or not to swipe.
The Unicorn Hunters
She is bi-curious, he is straight and they are looking to experiment with a girl. This girl is expected to be attracted to both the ethereal, goddess-like woman and the sewer monster to whom she has attached herself equally. The original couple might not even consider themselves poly, but it is fine for the two girls to fool around. After all, that is just lady-sex. It does not count.
The One Photo Wonder
He has one dimly-lit selfie of him posing in a hotel bathroom that looks like it was taken on a microwave, and that is it. No bio. No other photos. Just a man, presenting himself to the people of Portland. This is me, world, he seems to say. Take me as I am, a shitty photo and a name, or do not take me at all.
Film Student Franklin
Franklin is an enlightened man. He is aware of what his sun sign, rising sign and moon sign are, and even has a vague idea of what they mean. He wants to go on a Bins date. He listens to The Talking Heads religiously. He has a septum piercing and a sense of style ripped directly off TikTok. When Martin Scorcese says jump, Franklin asks how high. He is a feminist, but cannot name one female author he likes. But he is cool. He is not like other guys. For Christ’s sake, he wears matte black nail polish!
Group Photo Gary
Swiping right on Gary is like playing Russian roulette. Every single photo on his profile contains no less than four other men, with no indication as to which one Gary might be. And they all look the same, so it is not like you can figure it out. What, are you expected to think while swiping? Ridiculous!
What can be said about Barry that he has not already said about himself? He likes the office. He is 420 friendly. He loves the Beatles. 6-foot. He loves dogs! What’s your major? Interesting! Barry will definitely make a terrible pun using your name.
Nice Guy Nick
Hi, says Nick. You do not respond for a whopping 22 minutes. Nick now considers himself welcome, no, obligated to call you the c-word. All women are the same, Nick laments. But Nick is a nice guy. He holds open doors for women (only the hot ones, of course). He is firmly convinced that women only get jobs in the STEM fields because of affirmative action. Nick can be seen loudly asserting that women only go for assholes.
Man Holding Fish
Little is known about this specimen, other than his propensity for bull trout and holding it in pictures due to the misguided belief that this will assist in his procurement of a Female. He may be wearing sunglasses; he may be in a boat; he may be God himself.