Illustration by Seth Moriarty

Young adult genre to use new, grosser fantasy creatures

The young adult genre appeals to both teenage readers and unmarried readers over 40. Notable young adult authors are planning to reintroduce the romanticization of fantasy creatures with a new twist. Hit young adult novels like “Midday,” “Werewolf Academy,” and “Lossed” all feature romanticized beasts like vampires, werewolves, centaurs, the devil, and teenage boys. However, young adult author Joseph Eguchki explains that werewolves and vampires are old news. 

Eguchki stated that the sexy vampire genre is oversaturated and expressed his own opinion on werewolves. 

“They are hairy and gross,” Eguchki said.

These new novels plan to greatly expand the range of creatures romanticized. 

It should be noted that The Pioneer Log Editorial Board politely but firmly asked me to refrain from including a personalized list of fantasy creatures that I want included in these novels and work out some of my personal issues. 

This December, romantic novels featuring mummies, the sphinx, wendigos, peryton and goblins are going to hit the shelves. The fantasy creatures featured in these novels have all been changed to reflect what a forty-year-old man would expect a teenager to desire. 

Most monsters have been changed completely from their original form. Young adult authors thought it was necessary to give the wendigo humanlike features and curb its relentless and overwhelming desire to consume human flesh, in an effort to make the monster more appealing. Unexpectedly, test audiences reacted positively to this “Wendiglow” up.

Similarly, the mummy has been given a Freudian twist to appeal to teenage boys with abnormal tastes. Previously a rotting corpse wrapped in bandages, the mummy has now been transformed into a forty-year-old woman wrapped in bandages. The new monster has been named the Mommy Mummy. 

In addition to fundamentally revising the monsters, forty-five-year-old author Dinkle McAlister explained that giving these creatures traditional social roles in high school would make them more tempting for a younger audience. 

“The teenagers want structure and things that their underdeveloped minds can understand,” McAlister said. “That’s why the mummy is a dumb jock and the wendigo is a nerd investing in their Roth IRA. Every kid loves that!” 

Prominent young adult author Jeremery Shellman believes that the trend is going to catch on quickly. 

“Do you understand how horny and desperate teenagers are?” Shellman said. “When we made pasty, old, hemoglobin sucking vampires sexy, teenagers bought into it. We smashed the sales chart. Then we made hairy and gross werewolves rugged and handsome and destroyed the box office.” 

Students like Mike Santos ’23 expressed excitement at the opportunity to vicariously engage in deep romantic relationships with new fantasy creatures through literature. 

“I want to attain eudaimonia through a secondhand gnome relationship,” Santos said. “I can already picture walking on the beach with my gnomish significant other.”

Other students like Sig Boid ’21 expressed an overwhelming desire to copulate with fantasy creatures. 

“Yeah, I just want to f*** the Loch Ness Monster,” Boid said.

Regardless of motive, students are expected to turn up in droves to purchase this new wave of young adult novels. Motivated solely by financial gain, young adult authors are expected to run this trend into the ground.

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