Illustration by Maya Winshell

Michelangelo’s David found in divine hickey

This past Monday, a first-year student was spotted in Maggie’s Café buying shredded cheese at 12:03 in the afternoon with a hickey that resembles Michelangelo’s masterpiece, David, on their neck.

Instead of wearing a turtleneck or applying make-up, this first-year student decided to show off their hickey like the work of art they (and everyone else) knew it was. As of now, the student has not spoken up about the hickey or how they got it, and they live in Copeland, so honestly it is anyone’s guess as to how it happened, but there are a few theories going around. 

The most popular of these theories is that another student gave this first-year student a hickey. This would mean that a highly talented hickey artist is currently a member of our school. The level of detail and dedication represented in this controversial work implies a great artistic talent in said student. Students on campus are calling this mystery artist “Hanksy” (hickey and Banksy combined) due to their mysterious nature.

Many Lewis & Clark students are apprehensive of this theory because of its sinful nature. 

“I do not believe any student at LC would ever think about partaking in premarital sex,” Fredrick O’Neil ’23 said. “It is sinful and yucky.”

A strange, yet way more possible theory is that the hickey is of divine nature. The Office of Sexual 

Occurrences sent out an official statement.

“No mortal human being would be able to brandish another person with sexual markings this beautiful,” the statement said. 

They believe that some sort of non-specific higher power has granted this freshman the gift of the perfect hickey. 

Some students have a somewhat controversial theory. They believe that the hickey is not actually a hickey, but actually a rash that developed after consumption of food from Bon Appétit’s masterwork kitchen. If this is the case, we should be expecting to see many more hickies that are similar – perhaps Da Vinci’s The Last Supper or maybe Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam. Bon Appétit has not responded to these claims. 

It was obvious that whoever (or whatever) bestowed this work of art upon this lucky freshman took their time to make it absolutely perfect. The night of passion that led to this glorious rendition of the beautiful classic must have been long and grueling, but it was worth it.

The brilliant shading of the piece suggests that the artist had gone over multiple times with their masterful technique. The minute 

details that are present in the hickey imply some sort of tongue and/or heavy sucking action. The patience and pain tolerance that this young student possesses must be that of legends. 

No one may know the true story about this hickey, but there is one thing we do know: no matter who or what gave this freshman the hickey, it is a gift and we should not take it for granted.

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