How Cute! Reed College Tries to be More Like LC

The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.

REED COLLEGE IS the second best liberal arts college in Portland, Oregon. It is about 22 U.S. News rankings, 40 years, an actual school slogan, a stable president and an entire NCAA Division III athletics program just short of being on par with Lewis & Clark College. However, Reed does tout an impressive number of Rhodes scholars, ketamine dealers and Foucault mansplainers.

But on April 1, an attempt was made to bridge this devastatingly large gap between the two colleges. Reed’s very own student newspaper, the Reed College Quest, decided to adopt the name of the esteemed Pioneer Log for their “satire-only” April Fool’s Day prank issue.

The front page of the issue featured a story boasting a dramatic spike in readership of the Quest, likely due to the adoption of the Pioneer Log name — brand recognition is real, folks. But the real prank was expecting a newspaper longer than eight pages.

At LC, students were less than invested in the event.

Student Media Board member Marie Leibniz ’19 expressed confusion and concern at the theft of the publication’s name.

“It’s not hard to tell them apart, quality-wise,” Leibniz said. “But I thought satire was supposed to be funny? This just sort of sounds rushed and sad. Are they okay?”

John Rickerson ’20 was more sympathetic to the Reedie plight.

“I don’t think we should discourage their aspiration for greatness,” Rickerson said. “Honestly, it looks like they could really use a win right now, and they’re doing their best.”

Gordon Hayfield ’22 espoused frustration with the irregular coverage of student media.

“Here at LC, it’s always PioLog this, PioLog that,” Hayfield said. “I say let them share the glory. God, why can’t people talk more about my meme page? That’s where the REAL news is. I just learned how to deep fry.”

A Pioneer Log reporter traveled to the Reed College campus to see some of the knockoff merchandise for herself and ask why the hell we had to be roped into this mess. Upon her arrival, no Reedies were available for comment. They were all doing lines of cocaine in the pool hall of Gray Campus Center and dancing to bad ’80s music in the Student Union. This gaggle of impaired students then made their way over to the Reed research nuclear reactor to run an experiment, which is definitely not concerning or problematic at all.

After infiltrating the Quest editor’s office in a HAZMAT suit, the reporter was able to access the office’s lone 1976 Apple I desktop computer and discovered that the editors wanted not to steal the logo but the logo’s font, as the only font they had in their arsenal was Comic Sans.

What a silly misunderstanding! Hopefully now that the Quest has learned how to perform basic newspaper formatting functions, the Pioneer Log won’t have to worry about logo theft anymore. We can all go back to our mutual miserable existences of crying in the library and getting spit on by the sky.

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