The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.
BEFORE WE KNOW it, the class of 2023 will be sitting, bright-eyed and bushy-bearded, on the field during 2019 convocation. Who are these fortunate, edgy souls? This year, the majority of incoming students were born after 1999, which means that the first years can no longer say that they are ’90s kids, no matter how hard they try to persuade you by peppering you with facts from shows like Full House or Hey Arnold.
As the class of 2019 shuffles its way out, the only way for the Admissions office to restore order to campus after “Classzilla” was to create a “Mecha-Classzilla.” Out of the 6,050 applicants, 7,124 were accepted. Unfortunately, this means the underground tunnels must be converted into dorm rooms, and the sentient race of mole people will be evicted. Their microbrewery will be moved to the Coop until they can find a more permanent location.
The incoming class includes unicyclists, dedicated skiers, athletes, overly proud non-athletes, members of the heterosexual community and Pig Latin slam poets. The students speak 97 languages and play 219 musical instruments, 200 of which are fictional. Every single member of the Class of 2023 has been outside at least twice. This class boasts a whopping 500 emotional support Danimals, 320 avid protesters, 212 vegans, 87 mountain bikers, 30 Subaru Outback owners, 15 coffee connoisseurs, two local tattoo artists and one very smart piece of avocado toast.
88 percent of students claim to come from the “Bay Area” (although only 15 percent actually do). This is followed closely by the rest of California, Oregon, Washington and Colorado. 5 percent of the class comes from the East Coast, specifically the Upper East Side of New York City from the prestigious Constance Billard School for Girls and St. Jude’s School for Boys. Another 25 percent of arriving first years are international students, hailing from 30 different countries, including “Florin, Panem and I wanna say… Genovia?” an American student said. 100 percent of the class said they own or plan to buy multiple succulents within a month of arriving at LC. 15 percent got tattoos yesterday, 95 percent of class members wear overalls and 69 percent carry Fjallraven Kanken backpacks.
We asked some of the new students what they were most looking forward to during their time at LC. The top answers included “eating brunch every day,” “complaining about the weather,” “appreciating the weather” and “living at Powell’s.”
We welcome the shenanigans of the incoming class, and look forward to the Copeland fire alarm evacuations to follow.
Written by Lauren Keegan.
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