A student walks away from a microwave with sparks shooting off of it. Illustration by Maddi Masterson.

Sixth Grade Science Now Required at LC

The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.

RECENTLY, STUDENTS have been confused about the new update on WebAdvisor in the “Register for Sections” drop-down menu. There was a bright red notice that said “Due to  inability to operate microwaves properly, all students will now be required to take a sixth grade-level science credit in order to graduate.” Word on the street is that this implementation is due to the recent disaster in the Dovecote, where a wide-eyed SOAN major placed their vegan lasagna in the microwave, while still wrapped in tin foil.

The microwave was then doomed to not be reinstalled. It sits, half-melted and abandoned in a dumpster behind the Dovecote. It sits alone and afraid, like a child’s project thrown away the day after a science fair.  The microwave was a staple, and a necessity for all of those baggy-eyed seniors whose only hope for a hot meal was that microwave. Several upperclassmen have since been seen huddling in a penguin formation with their lunches in the center of the huddle when the snowpocalypse arrived. An unnamed senior was seen working on his capstone in the Dovecote, gnawing on a frozen hot pocket. Other students in the Dovecote looked to him in melancholic acknowledgment, as they knew that the glory days were truly over. Its time with us was cut short, but the microwave will surely be remembered.

The Lewis & Clark faculty hopes that the addition of this sixth grade class will increase the student’s ability in distinguishing which items are fit to be put in the microwave as “good ideas” or “ideas in development.” The class will be no credit, once a week for two hours and incredibly redundant: like PSI but with basic things you should have learned 10 years ago.

Several students, especially those with STEM majors, are concerned how they are going to fit the class into their schedule, and if there is some sort of placement test to be able to bypass the sixth grade science class. Gregory Tucker ’20 expressed his frustration with the addition.

“I’m taking 25 credits right now, most of them within the chemistry department, and I feel like I may be a tad bit overqualified,” Tucker said. “But the registrar says there is no way to skip out! This class is the biggest waste of my time.”

Another student, Stuart Bigly ’22 had some wisdom to share.

“Yeah I kinda like the idea actually,” Bigly said while trying to clean dirty coins with various weak acids, including orange juice and Coca-Cola. “I was hoping to see if I could minor in sixth grade studies, since I’m taking the class anyway.”

We reached out to Bigly’s advisor for comment, but she was busy Kayaking one-way flights to Alaska.

Wowza. This whole predicament is getting messier than a baking soda volcano. In an effort to understand more about what this science class is going to be like, I reached out to my old sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Hiebel. She reported her prediction for the course material.

“…. anything from potato clocks to Popsicle stick bridges,” Hiebel said. “Your guess is as good as mine, honestly, we’re all winging it back here. Best of luck to you and all the other kiddos at Lewis & Clark. SO good to hear from you, Marc-Anthony.”

The bookstore will begin selling their copies of “50 Possibly Catastrophic Science Experiments for Your Super Rad Scientists (ages 5-12)” and “What Should I Not Put in My Microwave?” next term, and it would be in your best interest to pick one up before classes start.

Written by Marc-Anthony Valle.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

AlphaOmega Captcha Classica  –  Enter Security Code
     
 

Previous Story

FBI Spy Log Reveals LC Student's Online Habits; Yikes

Next Story

Postmaloneialism: RELS Essay Invents Religion