The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.
IS THERE someone you don’t like on this campus? Is it actually … yourself? I sure can relate, and I understand the need to passive aggressively attack others in order to boost your own self-esteem. Here, I’ve compiled exactly what you need: a foolproof method of subtly insulting fellow students in a non-confrontational way, perfect for the local insecure hipster.
1. Swerve them in the Bon
This is the perfect place for your hangry passive-aggression to rear its ugly head. Surrounded by soy curl creations and mysterious root vegetables, your agitation is at an all-time high. You see that one kid from your hall who always walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands – he’s got it coming to him. Start with a casual conversation at the salad bar. I personally enjoy a jaunty banter about whether the lettuce is iceberg or romaine. This will lead him to believe you are social and potentially friendly. Then, when you see him sitting alone at a high table, just make eye contact, put in your AirPods and sit down alone at a neighboring table. Better to Bon alone than to Bon anywhere near his penis hands.
2. Create insecurity of their intellect
Here, you can assert not only your academic prowess, but your moral superiority as well. My favorite tactic is to indirectly call out minuscule inaccuracies in things people say during class. For example, next time some dumb Ron Weasley type says “levi-oh-SAHH” instead of “levi-OHH-sah,” don’t correct them. Just casually pitch into the conversation with the correct pronunciation, and make sure to time it with a condescending glance in the offender’s direction. They’ll be confused, and nervous to ask for clarification for fear of appearing more stupid than they already have. I call it deconstructive criticism.
3. Call them “basic”
Do they like American Eagle jeans, craft fairs and seasonally scented candles? These are sure signs of character deficiency, and you need to correct them immediately. In my book, anyone who buys into fast fashion can go immediately to hell. Ask this person if you can give them a personality makeover, and if they say no, post something nasty to your Instagram story about uneducated basic hoes. But they’ll probably say yes, because you have four times as many Carhartts and ten times as many friends as them. After a trip to the Bins and a couple of bummed cigarettes, you’ll have an insecure shadow to follow you around and reflect your brilliance.
By following this simple guide, you can transform from a post-DSA era loner into a fearsome queen bee. All it takes is a complete lack of empathy and readiness to jump down the throats of your peers.
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