BREAKING: Lewis & Clark Plans to Be More Like Brown University; Construction Crew Mishears, Gives Students Brown Water.

Brown water flows from sink spout. Illustration by Míceal Munroe-Allsup.

The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.

On Jan. 29 at approximately 8:10 a.m., there was a mishap during the delayed construction of the bridge. Morale has been low as long as this bridge has been out of commission, and students and faculty are now staring at the beautifully designed piece of hubris with more unkind eyes. In an attempt to make students and faculty more sympathetic with the scheduling inconsistency that comes with construction, members of the construction team met with administration representatives to discuss the progress of the bridge. After this brief meeting concluded, the construction workers were excused to work on the improvements that were just discussed. However, in the same conference room, just minutes after, was a meeting about how Lewis & Clark wishes to be more like Brown University, the critically acclaimed Ivy League school in Providence, Rhode Island. This is where the trouble began.

The administrators received a memo that said: “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, keep up the good work boiz” which was clearly meant for the construction workers. This led the administration to realize that the memo meant to be given to the administration had gotten into the hands of the construction workers. The swapped memo stated the efforts to adopt a stricter acceptance rate, as well as offer more concentrations for bachelors degrees, with a rousing p.s that said “Be like Brown!” The construction workers took that postscript to heart, and voila! They gave the students brown water.     

Ouch! What a kooky miscommunication! The construction team, however, did their best to follow orders. On Jan. 29 at 8:09 a.m., the crew took a jackhammer to the main water line of the Platt-Howard residence hall. Man oh man, these students were bound to be stuck in the mud!

Several students were asked how they felt in those first moments, when they first received the heartfelt apology from the construction team for the mix-up. Morey Morrison ’19 offered an understandable response.  

“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” Morrison said. While some students were mid-shower when the water shut off and turned a muddy brown color, Jonathan Bonathon ’20 was luckier than most.

“Thank golly I hadn’t put shampoo in before the water cut off, then turned brown” Bonathan said. “That would have been a nightmare!”

Others were completely unaware of  the change in water quality on campus, assuming that the change was an intentional expansion of the Bon Appetit monopoly on campus.

“So you’re telling me it wasn’t Bon coffee?” Craig Benson ’22 said.  

The press reached out to the LC health center for a comment on Benson’s condition, but have yet to receive a response.

Whoopsie daisy! Looks like this little mishap really mucked up the campus living community, and it sure made for a goofy Tuesday. At least the students got plenty of fuel for their “College be like” Snapchat stories.   

There is truly no finger to point in this situation, and many are thankful that those construction workers tried to go the extra mile on this one, even if it didn’t go exactly as they had hoped. No hard feelings construction team, we appreciate your initiative in trying to make surprise improvements at our school. One day all of this crazy construction business will be behind us, forgotten in the past, like brown water under an unfinished bridge.

Written by Marc-Anthony Valle.

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