Illustration by Maddi Masterson

Local Tour Guide a Liar

*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor

By Maddy Fellows

The Lewis & Clark Office of Admissions is in a state of disarray after tour guide Diana Thompson ’21 was caught lying on a tour. No one can believe it. Reports show that Thompson is also guilty of sugar-coating, exaggeration, and most unforgivably, using a fake cheery voice that’s a whole octave higher than her real one.

“Lying on tours is a no-no,” Admissions Fellow Becca Sampson ’19 said. “So it never happens.”

Some notable lies that Thompson has told include: she is on the lacrosse team; LC is a not a liberal bubble; it’s easy to get around Portland without a car; the school is really diverse, actually; and bridge construction will be done by fall 2018 “at the latest.”     

The Backdoor surveyed a handful of people affiliated with Admissions to get to the bottom of Thompson’s lies.

“Hey, giving tours is hard,” former tour guide Jimmy Whitacre ’20 said. “It’s a dangerous job. You have to walk backwards on cobblestones while navigating crowds of people, skateboarders, and people practicing for fire arts by flailing their arms to dubstep remixes of the Hamilton soundtrack.”

Some ex-guides agreed that guiding is dangerous. While others admitted to lying, too, which was quite a shock to this reporter.

“After like 50 tours, I just went on autopilot,” retired tour guide Ellen Jones ’18 said. “Once I claimed that I had gotten a SAAB grant for my research on the mating patterns of salmon. I don’t know where that came from. I was a history major.”

Most current tour guides deny ever lying.

“I might exaggerate sometimes,” Tina Johnson ’21 said. “But I never really lie. Mostly because lying takes so much energy and I’m already winded from walking up the hill.”

“Lying on a tour isn’t good. It’s like taking a water bottle on a tour,” current tour guide Dean Hanson ’20 said. “It’s a sign of weakness. Tour guides must appear strong. Those parents can smell fear. Like bears.”

The Backdoor received an anonymous email from a student who has since transferred from LC.

“I was persuaded to attend Lewis & Clark College by a tour guide who expressed that she loved the school. She liked her professors and was involved in extracurriculars and had a bunch of good friends? I mean, what was that all about? I did not have a good time at LC and obviously my experience is universal. So glad I transferred to Reed.”

The Backdoor was finally able to track down the liar herself, Diana Thompson, after relentless attempts to contact her. The following is an official statement from Thompson.

“I never lied. When I find the person responsible for spreading this rumor, I will be suing them for libel and slander. In the meantime, I will be taking a break from giving tours in order to spend much-needed time with my loved ones.”

Whether she is a liar or not, the Office of Admissions has fired Thompson for being too controversial. In the future, tour guides are encouraged not to lie except when it comes to embellishing Lewis & Clark’s retention rate and access to on-campus facilities.

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