This is science! The Backdoor’s horoscopes for Oct. 5-12

*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor

By Cassidy Harris

Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18

You will encounter an entity in the quiet reading section of Watzek who offers you all the riches in the world if you teach it to read. Do not teach it to read. That’s what it wants.

Pisces: Feb 19 – March 20

The Universe has given you infinite resources to achieve success. That’s why it’s going to be super sad when you fail. Again.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

The stars determine who you are. However, saying “I’m an Aries!” is no excuse for eating a family-size bag of Fritos during your 8 a.m. lecture. Get yourself together, man.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Taurus is known for being a solid and stable figure in the lives of others around them; this will be especially true this week after your Classics major friend contracts the Midas Touch and turns you to gold.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

The inherent goodness in human beings will be brought to your attention when a group of strangers helps you pick up your books you dropped. Then, your rose-colored glasses will be shattered when you go into the community bathroom and see that someone left an entire Bon hamburger to rot in the sink.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Yikes.

Leo: July 23 – Aug 22

Anything I say here will become a self-fulfilling prophecy because you all actually believe that the planets influence your daily actions. If I say that you will go to class this week, when you go to class you’ll think “I went to class because the Universe said I would go to class”, even though you go to class every week. Horoscopes are merely coincidence and hold no scientific significance whatsoever.

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sept 22

You’re the Virgin, and will continue being the virgin. Sorry.

Libra: September 23 – Oct 22

Keep an eye out for conflicts arising soon. Probably with your new roommate, who is definitely the one eating all your expensive gluten-free vegan protein bars, even though you told her you needed them for health reasons.

Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21

The stars have nothing to say to you, Scorpio. If you have something specific to ask, please email or stop by their office hours on Pluto on Mondays from 11:30am-11:35am.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21

You will stumble on Hope in the coming days. She will hate you for it.

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 21

Take solace in the peaceful nature this week brings, because next week? Oh, boy, get ready.