No way! 2018 report names LC one of nation’s colleges

*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor

By Owen Heh

In a shocking news report, TIME Magazine has recognized Lewis & Clark as one of the nation’s colleges. This news surfacing after administrative efforts to display LC as a legitimate American institution.

The report, released on June 31, contains a multitude of schools that TIME considers to be colleges in the United States. Taking into account select factors, namely location, editors at TIME compiled this list to inform students making the transition into higher education.

“We want this to be a guide for aspiring scholars to find colleges that are indeed American,” Mark DeStefano, Director of News at TIME said. The report, Destefano’s brainchild, is just one example of a wave of new resources for college applicants to find schools that really fit them. Planning to update the list annually, TIME aims to aid folks in the college search for years to come.

Meanwhile, campus has been nothing but buzzing about the news. From students to staff to administration – people are excited about LC appearing alongside Duke, Harvard, and Yale on this list.

“I believe that TIME has really ‘stepped up’ as a publication,” President Vim Vievel said. “They’ve noticed us as a college, and that I believe is a great achievement.”

Not only was LC ranked next to Ivy League schools in TIME’s report, but alongside many other smaller Northwest schools as well, namely University of Puget Sound and University of Portland. Long time neighbor and historic rival college to LC, Reed College did not make TIME’s list. After numerous questions and substantial backlash from the Reed community, Destefano had no choice to respond to his critics.

“Come on, like, they don’t even have D3 sports, what college doesn’t have sports?” he said. Destefano’s comments have subsequently faced further disapproval from Reed’s administration and student body, but justify the decision nonetheless.