
*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “humor
By Graham Ring
- Find Emotional Stability
- Find Financial Stability
- Find Physical Stability
- Tell your family you love them
- Eat at the Bon one last time
- Find meaning in your life
- Eliminate competition
- Attend an LC event and procure free school-sponsored alcohol
- Put off your capstone/thesis
- Text your first-year roommate to get your clothes-hangers back
- Eat foot
- Find the hidden trail leading to LC’s endless onion supply
- Steal Pio the dog’s Statue
- Steal everything you can
- Remove yourself from the “LC Class of 2018 Facebook Page”
- Enjoy one last Wine Wednesday
- Steal the Declaration of Independence
- Say goodbye to your favorite professors
- Hold back tears
- Uncuff your pants. People don’t do that everywhere
- Return all your books to Watzek
- Accidentally interrupt a prospective students’ tour by sobbing loudly into your textbooks
- Capitalize on the soy milk abundance
- Go to an on-campus concert
- Delete all the photos on Twitter of you with a beer bong
- Save money
- Shatter the illusion that you’re saving money by purchasing your entire Amazon wishlist
- Cover up the light in front of the flagpole
- Drink from the reflecting pool to gain magic powers
- Finally cross the bridge
- Take a day off
- Take a commemorative photo with York
- Erase your apathy
- Say “I’m too old for this” after waking up hungover
- Reconnect with your family
- Struggle with the most basic concept of reality
- Do laundry
- Quit your on-campus job
- Reluctantly apply for a position teaching inner-city kids hoping to inspire them
- Spend a whole day doubting every life choice you’ve ever made
- Slowly resign yourself to the fact that you have to start an adult life
- Ask your relatives for more money and support as you become an independent adult
- Believe things will be alright
- Realize things will probably not be alright, but you’ll get through it
- Accept that the future will be tough, but at least you’ll have close friends
- Come to terms with the relocation of all of your friends to other parts of the world
- Celebrate the end of the line by staying in bed for an entire weekend
- Hit rock bottom
- Take a picture with Wim Wiewel!
- Spend some time at the reflecting pool taking in the view
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