*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “humor”
By Graham Ring
Tragedy struck Lewis & Clark, leaving 12 students hospitalized and a member of the faculty missing. After the first lecture of the semester brought low attendance rates and inattentive students, a professor attempted to spice up the classroom with some cutting-edge techniques. While the source of these experimental tactics is unknown, it’s safe to assume that following these events, LC faculty will not be attempting to think outside the box again anytime soon.
Fortunately, one student was able to give an in depth interview about the class as they perceived it a few days before the incident.
“I knew something was up the first day of class when the teacher kept mentioning the wolf, but that wasn’t why I skipped class,” Jeffrey Bloomington ’20 said. “I couldn’t go the day the retirement community came because of a gnarly hangover, and thank god for it. I never thought a Wine Wednesday would save my life. It’s a shame that all those kids are colorblind now, but lesson learned: education shouldn’t be fun. Anyone who thinks that it should be just needs to take a step back and consider whether or not it’s worth it.”
While interviews with the 12 hospitalized students couldn’t be taken, a few students were willing to share a few words after their psychological assessment.
“At one point, I was pretty sure there was an entire polka band playing a romantic waltz to calm down the wolf,” Thomas Robertson ’19 said.
Students like Henry Jones ’21 were astonished by the 2,500 gallon wave of milk that flooded into the room halfway through class.
“I swear, everything was covered in milk!” Jones said. “The chairs! The tables! Even the wolf was having a hard time staying afloat!” Other students reported a literal elephant in the room as well as a constant stream of fruit-infused water pouring from the ceiling tiles.
“No matter how many times I tried to scream nothing came out,” Griffin Knotfack ’18 said. “Everytime I looked up and opened my mouth it would just fill with water that vaguely tasted like strawberries.”
As predicted, neither the faculty member nor the wolf were available for questioning. The two were last seen together running from a foaming tidal wave of milk containing several hundred snakes. Perhaps this is for the better, as several students at LC have begun a petition to permanently ban the professor from campus, claiming: “there was no non-dairy alternative to the gallons and gallons of milk spread throughout Howard” and that while none of the students consumed any of the milk or had any allergic reactions “it still would’ve been nice to have a choice.”
To ensure no event like this occurs again, LC has publicly issued a statement: “No employee of Lewis & Clark College shall make an attempt to in any way have fun or connect with students on even the most basic level. Any employee seen scheming, planning or even considering a shenanigan, hijink or bamboozle will be immediately suspended without pay pending hearing. If any faculty members are seen with a quantity of milk exceeding two gallons, Campus Security will be called to inquire and harass them. Our condolences go out to the students who have been hospitalized and we wish you luck in the months ahead in which doctors will attempt to remove the large quantities of radium present in your blood and skin. Roll Pios!”