Illustration by Raya Deussen

DRONE Appétit: 8,000 tons of raw onions airdropped on the Bon

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “humor”

By Nick Sabatini

Fields Dining Hall (also known as the Bon) still reeks of onions as of Thursday evening after an incident last week that involved a drone dropping 8,000 tons of onions onto the building. The onions caused over $2 million in damage, and the stench in the air was so strong that the fire alarm went off. This prompted an evacuation of the building as everyone ran outside crying.

Drone Appétit, formally Bon Appétit, switched from using trucks to drones for making deliveries. The reason for this is because drones are fun to fly and they do not make all of those annoying beeping noises trucks make. Seeing that the delivery was unsuccessful, it is likely that Drone Appétit will switch back to the beeping trucks.

The incident occurred at 12:31 p.m. Wednesday, when the drone released the sack of onions onto the roof of the Bon. The roof of the Bon collapsed but no one was hurt. The incident occured during lunch when the Bon was full of students.

“I was in the Bon eating lunch, and all of a sudden, it started raining onions,” a student, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “The onions started falling from the ceiling and before I knew it, I was buried in onions. My only option was to eat my way out. It took me three hours to eat my way out of the onions just so I can set myself free. I missed the rest of my classes!”   

Some onions still remain on the floor in the Bon, and the school advised everyone to eat any of the onions that remain.

“That is an unacceptable way to deliver onions,” Gordon Ramsay, head chef of the Bon, said. “They are raw onions. It’s all raw!”

Some of the onions were used in making chimichangas for dinner that night. The chimichangas that night did not taste very good because of the copious amount of onions in it. Because there is such an abundance, any food from the Bon will taste like onions for quite a while. There are so many, that they will need to be served for every meal. This means that breakfast, lunch and dinner will all be nothing but onions.

Meanwhile, the operator of the drone has been tracked down.

“I was just flying the drone and I pushed the wrong button,” Bob Quadcopter, Drone Appétit’s drone operator, said. “Before I knew it, all the onions came dropping from the sky! I have never flown a drone before, but it sure was fun to fly!”

Chef Ramsay said that he hopes this will never happen again.

“I hope Drone Appétit learns from this experience,” Ramsay said. “Now, we have to use them all before they go bad. I want to apologize in advance for the foul breath you will have for the next week or so.”

It is estimated that the Bon uses 5,714 pounds of onions per day. It is unknown why the Bon ordered so many onions this time.

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