LC students unsure whether new Maggie’s employee is Hozier

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”

By Bryan Miller

The Lewis & Clark campus has been swept by a wave of doubt with the arrival of a new employee at Maggie’s Café. His unexpected presence has left more than a few students debating whether or not he is the Irish singer-songwriter Hozier.

“I know Hozier wears a lot of plaid, and distressed denim,” Coltyn Corby ’21 said. “But with the uniform and nametag and everything … Well, it’s just too hard to say for sure if it’s actually him.”

Hozier released a self-titled LP in 2014 but has been relatively quiet since then. Some speculate that his decision to walk away from his fans was prompted by the events of one fateful evening.

“One night he was just spiraling,” an anonymous source close to Hozier said. “He was shouting something about how his platinum records didn’t mean anything if he couldn’t make people sloppily-assembled hot sandwiches or watch apathetically as they steal individually wrapped Lindt chocolates. He was a mess, but the next day he told me he had found his calling and I haven’t heard from him since.”

The Backdoor reached out to Maggie’s cafe for a comment.

“He has a name tag, we all have name tags,” an employee said. “Learn how to read, douchebag.”

Whether this mysterious man is or isn’t Hozier is still a source of contention, but that hasn’t stopped the student body, including those who are skeptical, from creating their own theories.

Liam Jenkins ’21, thought it was absurd to think that someone as high profile as Hozier would work an entry level position.

“There’s no way that’s Hozier,” Jenkins said. “It’s probably just Gotye.”


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