How to make friends

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”

By Drew Matlovsky

You got a friend in m—… uh, somewhere?

College is a challenging time. For a quarter of our students, this is less than their first month living in a new environment, with new people and new social interactions. And for the rest of us, returning from summer break, it can be difficult to re-establish old friendships and even make new ones — as people join various cliques and groups. Here at the Pioneer Log, we break down some sure-fire ways to make new friends as we begin our fall semester.

Join a club.

Clubs can be a fun way to meet new people. Well not any club. Make sure it’s a club that isn’t self-aggrandizing or too serious, one with secret handshakes, or it feels like the last season of a 90’s sitcom, and everyone has hooked-up with each other already.

Well, that leads you with … Well, ok maybe you could form your own club!


Like who are we kidding ourselves. It’s not going to happen, and there’s sort of a coolness in not trying — right? Who needs friends anyway when there’s seven seasons of “Friends” on Netflix? Ha, Ha, ha …

Sell your soul for eternal friendship with the devil

It’s not that hard. Well it’s certainly not “challenging” in any sense of the word. It’s simple really. All you need is a couple of crop circles, a few sacrificial goats and speakers to play Taylor Swift (Satan likes listening to his own music). After performing the ritual and losing your soul, you can always count on the devil as your number one pal. No more lone-Bon dinners for you! Plus, on the bright side, wouldn’t you want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Grow a neckbeard.

Why not? At some point you got to try something right? Plus, shaving only your upper lip is pretty convenient when you think about it. You may not like all the new people you seem to attract, but don’t judge a book by its cover! Plus, it’s bound to attract the right kind of people … eventually. Who knows, maybe that special someone will ride up to you on a white horse and you can nod your head and  tip your cap as you utter the magical words, “m’ lady”.

Be different

Take a stand. Be a symbol. Be different. Have people remember who you are! Naturally, the only way to do this is by amassing a collection of questionable clothing ensembles that highlight your cool new lifestyle. Remind people what it means to be badass by showing off your assortment of patches, piercings and Camel cigarettes.

Conform your interests to match other people’s

Ok, in all candor we like to have a lot of fun here at the Backdoor. I’ve been writing articles for a while now, and I can say with utmost sincerity, this particular piece of advice is by far the healthiest and sanest one here.

It’s simple really, all you need to do is find a group of people you either admire, like or enjoy, but for some reason you just never found a way into their friend group. Maybe they share a sport, club, music interests or mutual friend. What you need to do is figure out what these common denominators are, and then simply adopt them for yourself. Remove the things you like, because clearly that’s not working out super well for you right now, and adopt these as your own. Who cares if it’s not “genuine” or “authentic.” Who cares if you have to pretend that you’ve listened to the entire discography of Radiohead? That makes it even better, you get to form a new you, and it can be whatever you like.  Who cares if down the road you’re not sure where the line between your need for social acceptance and your genuine personality is? But hey, that party was pretty lit last night, right?

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