Five things to do on Valentine’s day if you’re single

A Backdoor survival guide

*The Backdoor is a work of satire and occasionally humor.

1)Perform a blood sacrifice ritual for St. Valentine

Ingredients: One goat, A Daedra Heart, the ashes of a failed EnD paper (anything below a C- is acceptable as well), 3 drops of tears from the meek and one phoenix feather

Step 1) Turn to page 9¾ in your copy of the Bible.

Step 2) Read passage at midnight while stirring ingredients together

Step 3) Pray for your (single) soul

2) Go on Tinder

Playa’s gotta play, ya know what I’m saying? Go get it — 365 days a year, times two — and that also means this Tuesday. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t make, so get those Super Likes going like it’s 2am at Mardi Gras.

3) Text your Ex

It’s not weird. Ok, maybe it’s a little bit weird. But you’re just checking in. What’s wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. You guys did date after all, and you just want to check in. It just happens to be on a Tuesday and that shouldn’t get in the way of anything when you really think about it…

4) Watch Deadpool

Ok, it’s not technically a Rom-Com or really that romantic in any strictest definition of the word, but it came out around Valentine’s day. And do you really want to watch “500 days of Summer” right now? — Do you really want to remember that lazy sunday afternoon when it was raining and you and Josh cuddled and watched that wonderful movie on your laptop while spooning Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream from Maggies? I think not. Go pirate “Deadpool” or something. It’s probably on netflix anyway.

5) Remember it’s just a fucking Tuesday

Behind all the overpriced chocolate and perfumed scented flowers, it’s all one big corporate Hallmark inspired shit-show . Forget about it. If anyone asks why you don’t give a shit, tell them you’re getting ready to celebrate Arbor Day. You can’t have FO-MO and whipped cream “romantic” Valentine’s day sex if you don’t care. Go eat a piece of chocolate and enjoy that sugar buzz while you finish your homework at a respectable hour for once. What, did you think this article was going to be a bunch of snide jokes and sarcastic comments?

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