By LESLIE MUIR
It’s that time of year again! Halloween is just around the corner and there is no better way to celebrate than by grabbing that special someone and having a “Netflix ‘n’ chill” sesh’ over a good horror movie. The beloved streaming site has a smattering of decent horror offerings that are actually, you know, well-received by critics. A huge portion however, seem to be movies that you don’t even remember coming out in theaters (probably because they didn’t). These campy, goofy, gory, and mostly low-budget gems are just dying for you to snuggle up next to them this howliday season. Of course, if the idea of gambling your “Netflix ‘n’ chill” time on a random, potentially terrible horror movie isn’t that appealing, check out the reviews below of some of Netflix’s more obscure selections.*
*This well-versed reviewer went out of her way to not only choose films she had never seen or wanted to see, but had purposefully scrolled over hundreds of times. These are the gems we are looking for.
So, we all have enough money to fly to Ireland just to meet some girl’s wannabe boyfriend and take shrooms together? Premise set. Let’s go into the dark scary woods to trip for the first time? Already there. We’ll pick our own magical Irish mushrooms fresh out of the ground and trip on those? Done. If the initial set-up doesn’t turn you off from the start, you might be in for a surprise. For a plot that could have taken place in someone’s backyard, the action more than makes up for the totally bizarre circumstances. Not accounting for the accuracy of their depiction of what a shroom trip is like, the film’s use of altered realities to question the potential of paranormal events is well done and actually pretty scary at times.
Rating: 3 poisonous Irish mushrooms/ 5
Are you sick of ridiculous monster films like “Sharknado” and “Anaconda”? Do you miss scantily clad teenagers getting hacked to bits while screaming their heads off? You wanna’ see some beavers? This is your movie. It’s every bit as absurd as you think it’ll be, but instead of fighting the genre of cheap-ass teen-slasher and predictable-zombie-plotline, it excels at being itself (the best line said with a straight face has to be, “We cannot turn against each other now, that’s exactly what the beavers would want”). A special shout out to the special effects team that in this day and age used actual animatronic zombie beavers instead of CGI.
Rating: 4 animatronic zombie beavers/5
“Vampire in Brooklyn” (1995)
You thought you had seen it all until you found out that there’s a Wes Craven helmed film starring Eddie Murphy as a Jamaican vampire trolling Brooklyn for Angela Bassett. After recovering from the initial shock of this film existing, I tried watching, and two hours later I stumbled out of my room late for brunch and completely enwrapped. Only Wes Craven could make you forget that you’re taking this movie seriously and actually enjoying it. Also, to those of you following Eddie Murphy’s career, “The Haunted Mansion” makes so much more sense now. He must like horror, and once he finds his weird seductive vampire stride, he’s maybe kind of good at it.
Rating: 4 Jamaican vampires/5
“The Last Days on Mars” (2013)
As the hour of opening credits will attest to, a lot of people came together to make this film and they’re not so sure why. Like Liev Schreiber. Liev Schreiber agreed to star in this movie, and he’s not so sure why either. He’s not so sure through most of his scenes in which he and his space team all aren’t so sure why they’re on Mars or why the return home will be so bad. They’re not so sure why people start becoming infected with some weird zombie bacteria and in turn, the makeup designers weren’t so sure why having a Martian bacteria infect your body makes you look like a monkey. The first half of the movie reminded me of a bad “Star Trek” episode, and the second half reminded me of my Spanish homework and eating lunch and painting my nails and – oh, I stopped watching.
Rating: 2 zombie monkeys in space/5
“Jug Face” (2013)
I’m just going to put this out there: I like hillbilly horror. “The Hills Have Eyes,” “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,”“Red State,” even the undead hillbilly family from “Cabin in the Woods”, all do something for me. If you aren’t scared by that brand of horror though, there isn’t much for you in this movie. Outside of the creepy and trigger-happy family, the monster we’re all supposed to fear, the pit in the ground, isn’t well-defined and becomes more confusing than anything else. However, if cult religions, moonshine and good old-fashioned incest sound like a good combination to you, then you’ll enjoy this gory paranormal thriller.
Rating: 3 giant pits/ 5
Honorable Mention: “The Leprechaun”
It’s with deep sadness that I inform you that “The Leprechaun” was taken off of Netflix’s instant watch before the publication of this article — not before this reviewer watched it to include. If it ever comes back, I highly recommend watching it. The least you can do is check out the “Honest Trailer” for it on Youtube right now.
Rating: 4 of Hollywood’s most ridiculous attempts to make a horror movie/5