Oregon, now 156, still single on Valentine’s Day


State feels more lonely than usual during entirely arbitrary holiday

By Daniel Elliott /// Backdoor Editor

No matter who you are, Valentine’s Day is a totally important and very dramatic day. For some, it is 24 hours made for feeling terrible about themselves and realizing just how lonely they really are. For others, it is a time to reflect upon their own romantic relationships and how inadequate they really feel in comparison to their childhood expectations (I mean, I’m pretty sure that sleeping beauty was married by this point in her relationship). Most importantly, it is a day for Hallmark to sell a shit-load of Valentine’s day cards. For one very special person, however, it is an extra soul-crushing day.

Oregon turned 156 this last Feb. 14, but according to her, it was not cause for a celebration. “I just feel like, you know, I’m falling behind everyone else. I’m 156 and I’m still single on Valentine’s Day.”

 Eating ice cream and feeling conflicted were the order of the day for Oregon State, who simultaneously wanted to find love while not over analyzing a completely arbitrary date of the year. Mostly, she just wanted to not be single anymore. “Part of me wants to find that special someone who will ignite the romantic spark within me, but part of me just wants to grab a guy who’s sorta cute so that I could show off pictures of him to my friends.”

Oregon told reporters that she feels pressured by younger, more popular states who have already found love, “Just look at Hawai’i. She’s only 58 and already engaged to Alaska. They’re so cute, and uggghhh, they bought each other flowers, why doesn’t anyone buy me flowers? I hate them.”

According to a close relative, Oregon’s family still wonders if Oregon is gay at family gatherings. “I mean, she did just legalize gay marriage,” mumbled her Uncle Alabama at the last Christmas dinner.

“I just want her to know that home is a safe place, she can come out to us any time she feels comfortable, we’re ready.” Oregon’s mother, Massachusetts, told reporters last Saturday. Oregon’s parents, Maine and Massachusetts, were already in a marital union by the year 1776, something which certainly weighs on her mind.

Sources tell the Pioneer Log that Oregon did have a date set up for last Saturday night, but he bailed out at the last minute citing a lack of motivation and a small, likely insignificant, illness. Oregon remains determined to someday find love, although she added at the end of her interview, “If i’m still single at 400, I’m throwing in the towel.”

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